Thinking about the past present and future
by eachofusangels
Summary: Episode tag to "Devil's Cherry". Lisbon worries about Jane and Jane struggles to move on.
1. Chapter 1

**Thinking about the past present and future**

It was already half past eight and it had gotten quiet in the bullpen. Lisbon had just finished off writing her report about their latest case and turned off her computer.

They had managed to find the killer rather quickly but worrying about Jane had her feeling drained anyway. She could only imagine what he must have been going through seeing his long lost daughter and then losing her again. She had heard the way his voice had quivered this afternoon when he had called out "wait" supposedly to his disappearing daughter. She hadn't seen him since they got back from arresting the neighbor but she had a feeling he wouldn't take today's events very well. His hallucinations only proved how deeply hurt he still was.

Sighing quietly Lisbon turned off her desk light and piled up the remaining files and papers to deal with another day. She took her briefcase, locked her office and walked towards the elevator deep in thoughts again. She was so distracted that she nearly ran into Jane coming down the stairs from the attic.

"Jane!"

"Lisbon!" They both exclaimed simultaneously.

"I'm sorry, I thought there was nobody around anymore." She said avoiding his eyes and turning a slight shade of pink.

Only after seeing her blush did he notice he was still holding onto her upper arms lightly and his right thumb had started rubbing soothing circles right above her elbow.

"Uhm..." He quickly let go of her arms and smiled at her. Lisbon took a small step back and studied him worriedly.

"Are you okay, Patrick?" She asked quietly.

Jane noticed how her voice changed back to that soothing tone one would use when speaking to a sick child. She had already talked to him like that earlier in the hospital and he thought it was cute. He liked it when she got all motherly with him. Not that he liked her worrying about him but it was nice to know she cared. He also noticed her calling him by his first name which brought a smile to his lips. He had told her to call him Patrick today.

"I'm fine, Teresa. Thank you."

Lisbon noticed how he took a small step closer to her again invading her personal space. She felt slightly uneasy and nervously brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

Jane leaned in a bit more, smiled down at her and brushed the same strand back again, his fingertips gently caressing her cheek. Lisbon noticed how he looked her deeply in the eyes and she tried to avoid his gaze. But when she felt Jane's fingers slide to the back of her neck, his warm hand holding her close and his thumb lightly trailing the edge of her jaw she couldn't resist looking up and into his eyes.

Her breath hitched at his touch and his closeness and she could feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

"Wow, you're pulse is really racing, Lisbon." He murmured while slowly leaning into her and brushing his free hand against her hip.

Lisbon could hardly breath and suddenly she realized what was happening and how this day could be affecting his actions so she leaned back and asked in a trembling voice "Jane? Are you okay?".

Jane didn't let her skepticism keep him away and stayed close to her, his lips hovering only a few inches over hers, and started grinning lazily. "Why do you keep asking me that?" he murmured " You're a hallucination. A figment of my subconsciousness. You should know."

Then Lisbon understood and took another step back leaving his arms. "Jane? Did you drink any more of that tea?"

"Well, du-uh" he answered smiling like it was obvious.

"Okay, that's it. I'm taking you to the hospital." she started pulling on Jane's arm but he didn't move.

"No, I'm fine. I told you. I'm not going to the hospital again. And I was cautious: I only put enough in to..." he didn't finish his sentence, but Lisbon knew what he was thinking: He only put enough in to see Charlotte again. "I'm not going to faint again or anything." He assured her.

She knew he would have been better off in a hospital but he did seem quite alright except for the supposed hallucinations so she decided to just keep an eye on him instead.

"Alright, but you're coming with me. And if I see you staggering or throwing up or anything I will bring you to the hospital and have you tied to the bed if necessary." And with that she pulled him into the waiting elevator.

~L~J~L~J~

The drive home had been quiet. Both had followed their own train of thought. Jane feeling disappointed that he hadn't seen Charlotte again, Lisbon feeling worried again by his recent behavior.

When they arrived at her place Lisbon wordlessly went into her bedroom and quickly grabbed a pillow and a blanket for Jane from her cupboard. When she came back into the living room he was already perched on her couch.

"Well, if you need anything else you know where to find me." She placed the blanket and pillow onto the couch and made her way over towards her bedroom.

"Thank you"

She turned around looking at the man making himself comfortable on her couch and smiled sadly. "No problem, Jane. Just please don't do it again, okay?" her voice was merely a whisper.

"I won't. I promise." he answered just as quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Lisbon thought about upon waking up was her worries about Jane. She had struggled to fall asleep last night and had been plagued by nightmares of him.

In her dreams Jane had developed some kind of addiction to the belladonna tea and was drinking it in insane amounts the whole day long. He had been talking to his wife and daughter as if they were there with him and had sometimes spoken to her as if she were his wife, even calling her Angela. A doctor had been consulted who told her Jane was schizophrenic and needed to be treated in a mental institution. The doctor said the best treatment would be electroconvulsive therapy. She had been standing next to Jane in his hospital room when they had attached the electrodes and given him the first shocks. After a few rounds the doctors weren't satisfied with the result so they had increased the power. In this moment Jane had freed himself of one of the straps tying him to the bed and had grabbed her arm desperately staring into her eyes. Just as she heard the device recharging she woke up looking around her bedroom feeling the cold sweat which had dampened her hair and t-shirt.

After that she had had a hard time falling asleep again and had awoken again around five thirty. She knew she had no chance on going back to sleep so she got up, took a hot shower, got dressed and tiptoed into her living room.

~L~J~L~J~

Jane hadn't been enjoying his night any more than Lisbon had. The first one or two hours he had spent in a dreamless yet not reviving slumber probably still due to his exhaustion from the tea. After that he had slipped in and out of sleep for another two hours only to lie awake in the cold silent night thinking about his wife and child.

He felt as though he had lost them all over again. He knew that Charlotte hadn't been real, only a hallucination. Only the drugs making fun of his sorry life. Or rather his shattered self cruelly making him remember clearly what he'd lost. Still he couldn't help but feel lonelier than he had in quite a while.

He knew that Lisbon wasn't doing any better. He could hear her restless tossing and turning and even a few distant gasps. His heart broke even more thinking about the worried expression she had worn the last day. Or rather the last few years. Jane felt a pang of guilt when he thought back to the many times she had helped him, or wanted to help him, and he had shut her out. Those six months away from her had been a torture he never wanted to relive again. But the danger of Red John knowing how important she was to him made him want to abandon her once and for all.

Sadly he was too selfish to do just that. He didn't want to leave her. And he wasn't sure if it would rescue her anyway. He had already gone too far. Had buried her too deep in his heart to just get away without Red John seeing right through his plan.

Jane thought back to the last day. He thought about all the hints Charlotte had left about him and Lisbon. He knew he cared about her more than he cared about anyone else. He knew he loved her, he hadn't been lying those few weeks ago when he'd told her so. But hearing Charlotte saying those things changed something. He had felt the impact Lisbon had on his life and his happiness for quite a while but had never really consciously thought about it. And how badly he had wanted to kiss her last evening still had him breathless.

He felt absolutely torn. On one hand he wanted to hold Lisbon and kiss her and tell her he loved her and never let her go. On the other he didn't want to disappoint his family. He wanted to treasure the memories he had of them and keep them in his heart forever.

Then he remembered what Charlotte had said. That he didn't have to go after Red John for them. That it wouldn't help them anyway. That he should move on. But would they really say so? Or was it just his self-centered mind telling him that?

Jane was still deep in thought when he heard the shower running. His inner clock told him it was still way too early for Lisbon to get up but he knew she had probably already lain awake for quite a while and wouldn't be getting any more sleep if she tried so he got up too and started making breakfast.

~L~J~L~J~

When Lisbon turned around the corner she first noticed the vacated couch and then the smell of coffee in the air. She looked over into her kitchen and saw Jane taking some cereals and bowls out of her cupboards.

He turned around and gave her a bright smile.

"Hey. I wanted to make pancakes and fresh orange juice but I couldn't find any oranges and your eggs were kind of smelly so I washed them down the drain before they could cause too much harm."

"Uhm, yeah, sorry. I didn't get to go shopping yet." Lisbon stammered blushing slightly.

Jane gave her a tender smile and handed her one of the bowls and a steaming cup of coffee.

"Here, sit down and eat your breakfast."

He brought along another bowl of cereal and a cup of tea and sat down opposite Lisbon.

They ate their breakfast silently and after they'd finished Lisbon took the dishes and placed them into her sink. When she turned around to get ready for work she almost ran into Jane. She hadn't heard him following her into the kitchen and stumbled a little from fright.

"Oh, god. Jane! You scared me." she exclaimed and felt his hands coming up her arms and steadying her.

"Sorry." He breathed and gazed at her meaningfully. "Not just about this, about yesterday I mean."

Lisbon thought about how he had almost kissed her because he thought she was just some kind of illusion and blushed, embarrassed about how her heart had sped up and her breath had caught. And especially embarrassed about how he'd noticed!

"t's okay." she mumbled not daring to look at him.

"No, Lisbon. I'm sorry for drinking that tea and for making you worry about me again." he said clearly having noticed her discomfort.

"Oh, yeah." Lisbon turned an ever darker shade of red and felt her cheeks burning. God, why couldn't she just evaporate?  
"I'm not sorry about almost kissing you, you know." Jane breathed carefully, still standing way too close to her for Lisbon to think clearly. He wasn't sorry about...?

"Well, I am sorry..." Ah, so he was, he's probably ashamed now that he knows she wasn't just a fantasy of his, she thought. "...that I tried to kiss you when I thought you weren't real."

When had he gotten this close to her? And what was he saying about kissing her? Lisbon's brain was starting to fry from embarrassment, lack of sleep and the thousands of thoughts running through her at the same time. And not least because of his closeness. She could feel his warm breath on her face (when had he brushed his teeth?) and his fingers gently trailing up and down her upper arms.

She realized that she must have totally zoned out on him when he looked at her expectantly and gave her a little crooked smile. "Huh?" she mumbled quietly.

"May I kiss you? Lisbon?" His voice was so soft and careful, his eyes so honest and caring and his lips so friggin' close(!) Lisbon couldn't help but nod her head slightly. So Jane leaned into her further but stopped, his lips mere inches away from hers.

"I always wanted to kiss you. The real you. I was just afraid of the consequences. I'm still not completely ready to move on. That's why I wanted to kiss illusion-you yesterday. I need you to know that. It's not because you're not important enough to me. It's because you're so very important." he whispered quietly against her lips and Lisbon could feel her heart swelling and tears glistening in her eyes. The emotion in his voice had her trembling faintly and the only thing she could do was close her eyes and wait for him to...

As soon as Lisbon felt his soft lips against for own, her brain seemed to just switch off and all she could do was feel. The tender way his lips brushed hers, the slight pressure building after a second or two, the delicious smell of his skin, the moistness as his lips carefully parted only to suck at her lower lip tenderly.

The moment was over all too soon and Jane pulled away after a last gentle peck on her lips. He kept her close for another few seconds, though. His arms still around her hip and shoulders.

He then released her and murmured something about better leaving for work. Their fingertips were still touching when he looked up at her one more time.

"Lisbon, I know it's a lot to ask for, but...Will you wait for me?" his voice was so soft she knew this was tearing him apart.  
"Of course" she answered in the same hushed voice and gave him an encouraging little smile.

With that he made his way over to the door.

"Jane?" her voice made him stop and turn around, hand already on the doorknob.

"Yes?"

"You wouldn't have had to ask." she told him softly.

If she had meant him asking to kiss her or to wait for him he didn't know, but it didn't matter, the answer was all the same.

"Thank you."


End file.
